NFL schedules are out, and that means only one thing…. we MUST go over each and every game four million times until we come up with correct win/loss totals so we can brag who was right and make fun of the losers who were wrong with their predictions. I’ll let you nerds do that, and I’ll just do this once and get it right the first and only time. Watch me. Let’s get right into it.
WEEK 1: @Carolina Panthers
Seems kinda of like a weird place for the Raiders to open up their inagural season in Las Vegas with their new 2 Billion dollar stadium, but okay, fine. We’ll go to Charlotte, North Carolina… and when we get there, we’re gonna kick the shit out of the Panthers and make them wish they were never fucking born. That’s right, they think they are all hot and sexy after landing Teddy Bridgewater and Robby Anderson… woo-hoo.. I’ll tell you straight up Carolinians, Ya shoulda kept Cam! I don’t believe in Teddy and the Panthers whatsoever. Steam roll by the newly motivated Derek Carr and the LAS VEGAS Raiders! I predict Carr will have 400+ passing yards, Josh Jacobs to have 112 rushing yards, and rookie WR Henry Ruggs to have a 40 yard touchdown reception in a convincing victory of 35-17. Feels good to be 1-0.
WEEK 2: New Orleans
This will be the first game at the Las Vegas Death Star, Allegiant Stadium. Man, I am excited for this one. Not only is it the opener for the new stadium in the new city of Las Vegas, throw in that it is a monday night showdown. Hell yeah! All I can hope for is that Booger is not on the broadcast for this one, jesus that guy is awful.. Anyway, as you probably could have guessed, I’m going with another win the for the Raiders. This one, not so easy though. I am predicting a hard fought battle, with Drew Brees giving the Saints a late lead of 3 points with 1:34 left on the clock. Saints think they rain on the Raider parade of their new city and stadium….. I don’t think so, my friends… Derek Carr comes to save the day and in incredible last minute comeback touchdown pass to Darren Waller for the W… Raiders win: 27-24. Starting off 2-0 is always good, right?
WEEK 3: @New England
After a long flight to Foxborough, I see the Raiders taking this one too. Obviously. Patriots fans may still be getting over the loss of their king, their daddy, their holy father, Tom Brady, but I don’t think coach Belichick will be one of those people. He’s the greatest coach we’ve seen, probably ever. Bill is certainly the last person that is sweating the loss, hell, he was probably hoping for it if we are being honest. I don’t think the Patriots will be a bad team, and I think they still make the newly formed 14 team playoff. I’ll tell you one thing though, September 27th will not be their day. Even the best teams ever can’t win them all, Belichick and the Pats would know that lesson the best. Raiders get the best of Bill and Stidham in this one. Raiders win 21-13.
WEEK 4: Buffalo
No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills! Well, maybe they can work on that more in Buffalo, Bills fans, you’re not coming into the Death Star with that corny ass saying and pushing us around no thank you. Josh Allen, as cool of a guy as he is, isn’t that great. Sure, rocket arm confirmed. He can run a little. Bu. It ain’t gonna get the job done in Vegas. Say it with your chest little fella. Raiders win in dominating fashion: 35-10
4-0. Wow. Incredible.
WEEK 5: @Kansas City
Ha, Super Bowl champs, huh? Not gonna be a pretty day for you cousin fuckers in Missouri. Us Raiders, watch the hell out. At this point in the season, being 4-0. Hate to say it Cheifs (Not really) you’re fucked. Derek Carr is sick and tired of hearing all the bullshit about him not being able to win in Kansas City, Can’t win when it’s cold blah blah. Well, you’re all gonna see. Undefeated Derek will be a monster no one can contain. You think Patrick Mahomes got the juice? Oh boy do I have news for you all.. it’s gonna be a show. A high scoring shoot out, and Derek gets his first win at Arrow Head. Raiders win: 35-30
WEEK 6: BYE (not a loss)
WEEK 7: Tampa Bay
This is my prediction for game of the year. Tom Brady coming in to Vegas Death Star to face off against undefeated, pissed off, extremely motivated Derek Carr.. Get your six ply toilet paper ready folks, this game is going to be the shit. You got the greatest of all time, Brady, with one of the greatest tight ends of all time, Gronk against a new DC4 with the new top dog in the tight end department, Darren Waller. Man, this is gonna be a tough battle. I’m saying the defenses are going to battle this one out, and it comes down to the Black Hole doing what it does best, giving the Raiders that home field advantage they deserve. Raiders win a tough defensive battle: 17-14.
WEEK 8: @Cleavland
Baker Mayfield might be dancing before the game like a frat douche in the basement about to drug some eighteen year old chicks, but he’s going to be walking home wear tears in his eyes after this beat down of his garbage ass team. Raiders absolutely dominate the Brown, and they still can’t get their shit together after crowning themselves top dog after landing Odell Beckham Jr. and Kareem “woman beater” Hunt before the 2018-19 season. Sorry dog pound, things won’t get better after this game either. Raiders win: 42-7. After this game OBJ is getting traded. Sorry to break it to you this way, but it’s going to happen.
WEEK 9: @LAC
Chargers.. what a joke. We still run LA and haven’t played there in 30 years, might be a close game, might be a blow out, I don’t know. But I do know the Chargers won’t be winning much this coming season, and it won’t start in week nine either. Raiders win.
WEEK 10: Denver
The Broncos first trip to the Death Star, and it’s going to be a good one. Unlike the Chargers, I believe the Broncos have a shot to be a decent team. Drew Locke going into his second year after starting some of last year, Jerry Jeudy coming in at WR with Courtland Sutton. Melvin Gordon and Phillip Lindsay in the back field. That’s all nice, it’s cute. Will they win some games? Sure. But not this one, Broncos can’t handle the heat and they will be galloping out of the kitchen as fast as they can. Their old aging defense won’t be able to contain this new and improved young Raiders offensive attack. Raiders win: 28-14
WEEK 11: Kansas City
Alright, so we beat the Chiefs at their place in week 5, where DC4 gets his first win in KC. Well, sorry if you were looking for a Chief win, but I can’t do it. If the Raiders beat these scumbag Cheifs at their place, they one thousand percent beat them in Vegas. One thing that is going to be set in stone from this season until the end of time… the Death Star is where you come to die. Similarly to when Chucky said in Hard Knocks, we aren’t into dreams anymore. We’re into nightmares. The Death Star is going to be a fucking nightmare. Raiders win: 27-24
WEEK 12: @Atlanta
Hotlanta! I see you. Somehow the Falcons are always a threat, before the season begins. They are preseason warriors. Never amount to anything. Except that one year, but it didn’t end so well. 28-3.. ouch. Anyway, Falcons don’t worry me in the slightest. They play in a dome, and in Atlanta, so cold weather or any weather, actually, won’t be a problem. Raiders handle business and keep the streak going: 23-17
Week 13: @NEW YORK JETS
Man, this game really fucked us last year. It really fucked me, because I was in attendance. It was a cold rainy day in the Meadowlands and at the time, the Raiders were in prime position to make the playoffs sitting at 6-4 with a somewhat easy schedule ahead of them. But, they came out flat and never recovered and lost 33-3, or something like that. After that game, came three more losses in a row. We went from 6-4 to 6-7 real quick. Not a good time. I KNOW for a FACT Jon Gruden and Derek Carr will not let this team come out like that ever again, especially in the same city and around the same time of year as the previous season. Raiders come out strong and beat the Jets to stay undefeated: 28-21
WEEK 14: INDIANAPOLIS
To be honest, I don’t know much about this Colts team, and to be honest, I don’t give a shit either. One thing I do know, is that their new logo is fucking hideous. It makes the Rams not look so bad. Even though that is pretty awful too, no question about that. The Raiders on the other hand, have the greatest logo, and the greatest uniforms in the history of sports. and for that reason, and that reason only, I’m taking the Raiders to bend Colts new QB Phillip Rivers over, and spank his little ass until he cries. Just like we have done with his time with the Chargers. Raiders win: 52-16
WEEK 15: LAC
Listen, I know I’ve been really bashing the Chargers here but, they really really deserve it. I’ve never seen a fanbase be so stupid, and so annoying on twitter towards a team like the Raiders who swept them last year, and fills their stadium with silver and black. How can you be cocky and loud when you can’t even fill out your own little soccer stadium, why start caring now? Do us all a favor and go piss in the wind or something, Chargers fans, all 6 of you. Go, now. Raiders win: 35-17
WEEK 16: Miami
The Dolphin’s and Tua come to town. Welcome to Vegas Tua, I’m sure you’ll get treated like a king. Hopefully you’re an idiot and stay out and gamble all night or something along those lines. You might as well, considering you won’t be winning anything that sunday afternoon, especially not a football game. No rookie is going come into our house and push us around. Byron Jones, you moron. you greedy bastard.. we wanted you in silver and black and you turned down the Raiders offer to go to Miami for more upfront money, but less over time. What a dumb ass. Clearly you are just going on vacation down in South Beach. I can’t blame you I guess, it is beautiful. Clearly you didn’t go there to win, because you’re taking the money and running, instead of earning it with us, which is fine. Good luck! Raiders win: 42-21
WEEK 17: @Denver
This is going to be a tough game. Walking into Denver at an undefeated 15-0, probably shitty cold weather, locked in a number one seating, with a bye, you would think this would be a throw away game. You would think.. but no. We want it all baby. Gimme all of it. 15-1 looks so stupid anyway. 16-0 is beautiful. If there were already a loss somewhere on this calendar, fine, maybe this would be one of those throw away, lets not get anyone hurt before playoffs, type of games. We aren’t just your average team though, these Raiders are hungry. They some dogs, as the kids might say. Or maybe even claim “they ain’t right!” and it’s true. These dudes are fired up and I’m riding that wave with them, let’s GO! Raiders kick ass and kick Denver to the rocky mountain dirt and ruin their playoff hopes and complete their undefeated season: 27-26.
Incredible, no one would have ever thought. Now, some may question, do I really believe this is all going happen? The answer to that is yes, yes I do. I really think the raiders come out the gates like a bat out of hell on fire. Something feels different about this group, I say that every year but I also mean it every year. I can’t wait for this show to get on the road and the Raiders can go back to their dominant ways. To all the other fans out there, pound sand you suck and I wish you the worst of luck.
JUST WIN BABY!!!!!